Oops! Again!

Oops, I did it again.

No I’m not turning into Britney Spears although I do love wearing piggly tails.

What I’m referring to of course is the fact that I forgot to update my blog. Again. For the hundredth time. I’ve got no excuse, no real reason. I’ve not had a life shattering event, I’ve not been overly busy with work, I’ve not broken my computer. I think I just got fed up with only ever posting the One Freelancer’s Journey series I was working on and as a result I didn’t post anything.

Don’t get me wrong, I fully intend to continue and finish it. Maybe even shove it into a little book and put it up for sale at some point. But I wanted to blog about more than just the business side of writing for a change. I spend most days thinking about my work, doing my work and continuing that on to my blog, something that I really mostly use for fun and brain farts and rambling sort of took the fun out of the blogging. There is a lot I want to cover and I think I went into it all a little too quickly. Maybe I should have finished the entire series first before posting? Then again the way my mind works I would have finished it and then it wouldn’t have seen the light of day again.

So I figured I’d take a little break from posting about the admittedly dry aspects of being a freelancer and give you an update on my own personal projects. I’ve not started anything new. I won’t lie, there have been one or two ideas brewing in the back of my mind but I’ve decided not to work on those yet. The fact most of them faded away sort of suggests to me that maybe it was a good choice. I have been working on ongoing projects though, like the Feral Diaries Book One and I’ve been working, slowly, on the outline for Wolfe. Not an actual word has been written for that one yet and I’m not even halfway through the editing process for Feral Diaries. But they’re slowly trundling along.

I’ve also been working on a webcomic idea, the same idea that’s been brewing in my mind for well over a year now. It’s coming along. The events and settings are taking shape in my mind and the outlining is slowly coming along. I’m nowhere near ready to begin drawing yet though, mostly because my art skills are really very rusty and I need to do some more practicing before I set anything in stone. That and possibly get a technology upgrade. But those are all in the future.

I think the biggest thing for me though, that’s happened in the last few days is that I’ve signed up with an indie publisher of sorts. I always thought that I wanted to go directly to self-publishing and I will admit that the responsibility and all the little things that you need to do before you actually got your book out there scared me. They scared me so much that I sort of froze up and stopped working towards anything at all. It’s a sad state of events. But now though I found Autharium and hopefully, sometime soon, I can actually have a book or three out there with my name on them.

You may wonder why I’m telling you all of this. Well the reason for this should become apparent in the near future if everything pans out right. For now just keep your eyes open and look out for the eventual next part in the series. Or another of these rambling posts. Whichever comes first.

Apologies All

Apologies for the lack of promised article today. I've been working hard since Monday, finishing some projects for a couple of clients and haven't had time to finish and edit the article I intended to post today. I promise that the article will be up tomorrow and look forward to your comments.

I Have Returned!!!

It seems like all my blog posts in recent months have involved me apologising and this post is no exception. I made a few vague hints in my last few posts regarding Germany and au pairing. If you follow me on Twitter you would have seen me mention it a lot.

The short story was that I was all set to go to Hamburg, Germany, leaving behind my family here in little old England and settle in to a new family and look after kids and other nanny-ish things. The weeks leading up to the move were hectic, so hectic that I just didn’t have time to post. I was grabbing up all the time with family and friends that I could while simultaneously working out how to fit 23 years of my life in to a suitcase or two (I can’t travel light, I try but it doesn’t work). Anyway, once I got to Hamburg (beautiful city by the way) things went a little pear-shaped. The family was pleasant enough, the area that they lived in beautiful, Hamburg was nice. Still I couldn’t shake this feeling of wrong-ness, the sensation that I shouldn’t be there. It got worse and worse until finally, the day that I was supposed to move in to the family’s home I couldn’t take it any more and begged my parents to take me home.

So I came back after many apologies to the family and it’s back to the drawing board for my life and finding work. I don’t regret coming home though as you might think. I don’t regret following my gut, I don’t regret deciding not to stay, I don’t regret leaving the family. I do however, regret that the family went to so much trouble and I turn around and leave them in the lurch. I do regret that I couldn’t stay, simply because I wish I could have lived in a different country. It’s a strange feeling but with a history of depression and a tendency to over-analyse and get stuck in my head I didn’t want to risk ignoring my instincts and ending up a hospitalised mess.

And yes, that is indeed the short story. The longer version involves a lot more crying, snot and Currywurst (which is absolutely delicious and I wish I could have one right now). For now I’m trying to get back on all the horses, including blogging and hopefully soon I’ll get back in that saddle and start posting more regularly. Until then I’ll keep trying to find my groove. Catch you next time.

An Apology

Firstly I would like to apologise for my lengthy internet silence. I had my posts planned, I’d begun to write them in my head but then life got in the way. 

For the last few weeks, probably the last few months if I’m really honest, it’s felt like I’m living under a big dark cloud. A dark cloud that’s gradually been pushing me further and further down, sucking away all the enjoyment I can find from things like writing or drawing. I went to the doctor about it recently when I realised that this wasn’t going away, it was getting much worse and it was actually really starting to ruin my life. Turns out it was actually a big deal, how I was feeling. I’m not going to go into that though.

I’m not saying sorry for the fact that I stopped posting. That break from interaction with readers and the blog has given me some much needed perspective. What I am sorry for is going completely quiet. I didn’t write anything about feeling down or the dark cloud and I definitely didn’t give you any warning that I would stop posting. It’s that which I’m apologising for. I feel like I owe you the apology for just disappearing and an explanation for my absence. Unfortunately I don’t feel strong enough to properly explain it all yet, partially because I’ve not fully wrapped my head around it.

I will say this though. Some of the problems I’ve been dealing weren’t made any better by these self-imposed deadlines and tasks that I was setting. In fact they were probably making it much much worse.

I’ve relaxed all my goals, shifted my life around a little bit and slowly but surely the big dark cloud is lifting. I’m finding enjoyment in writing again, and editing and I’m working on a couple of new projects as well as the old ones. I will be resuming posting again starting this week but, unlike before, there will not be a set schedule and I have no specific plans to write certain posts for certain dates. I’m hopeful for what the rest of this month and this year will bring.

Will there be bad days in the future? Most definitely.

Will I ever actually properly explain what’s going on in my head? Who knows, my mind is a dark and twisty place.

Will I try and keep you posted should I go off the grid again? Yes, I will try as hard as I can.

For now though I’m focusing on feeling better, writing and editing and trying to find a job. No deadlines, no daily to-do lists, just long term goals and the occasional reward when I’ve worked hard.