It seems like all my blog posts in recent months have involved me apologising and this post is no exception. I made a few vague hints in my last few posts regarding Germany and au pairing. If you follow me on Twitter you would have seen me mention it a lot.
The short story was that I was all set to go to Hamburg, Germany, leaving behind my family here in little old England and settle in to a new family and look after kids and other nanny-ish things. The weeks leading up to the move were hectic, so hectic that I just didn’t have time to post. I was grabbing up all the time with family and friends that I could while simultaneously working out how to fit 23 years of my life in to a suitcase or two (I can’t travel light, I try but it doesn’t work). Anyway, once I got to Hamburg (beautiful city by the way) things went a little pear-shaped. The family was pleasant enough, the area that they lived in beautiful, Hamburg was nice. Still I couldn’t shake this feeling of wrong-ness, the sensation that I shouldn’t be there. It got worse and worse until finally, the day that I was supposed to move in to the family’s home I couldn’t take it any more and begged my parents to take me home.
So I came back after many apologies to the family and it’s back to the drawing board for my life and finding work. I don’t regret coming home though as you might think. I don’t regret following my gut, I don’t regret deciding not to stay, I don’t regret leaving the family. I do however, regret that the family went to so much trouble and I turn around and leave them in the lurch. I do regret that I couldn’t stay, simply because I wish I could have lived in a different country. It’s a strange feeling but with a history of depression and a tendency to over-analyse and get stuck in my head I didn’t want to risk ignoring my instincts and ending up a hospitalised mess.
And yes, that is indeed the short story. The longer version involves a lot more crying, snot and Currywurst (which is absolutely delicious and I wish I could have one right now). For now I’m trying to get back on all the horses, including blogging and hopefully soon I’ll get back in that saddle and start posting more regularly. Until then I’ll keep trying to find my groove. Catch you next time.